Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 975

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I started out as an impressionist and that`s all about observing - how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.