Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 973

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."

When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”

Never floss with a stranger.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.

We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.

My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.