Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 973
We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go.
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
They should have little disclaimer that says - "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show!"