Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 973

If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

You might be a redneck if you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully.

If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.