Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 978
When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
Black people don’t kill nobody they don’t know. Look at black-on-black crime. We kill each other because we know each other… When a black man goes to his ex-wife’s job because he wants to shoot a bitch because he don’t want to pay child support or alimony no more. He don’t kill everybody at the company. He says, “Get out the way, I just want to shoot that bitch right there.”
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.
I'm up. If that doesn't get me up, you know what will. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Bink. No, need sleepy!
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother… that's all they need.