Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 978
When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.
What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.
I started out as an impressionist and that`s all about observing - how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.
I flew to Ireland once... I’m Welsh I brought shorts, t shirts, sunglasses, they don’t even sell them in Wales I had to go to Bristol to buy them!
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work.
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?
A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.