Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 978
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.