Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 978
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'
Love is like a lost fart… if you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.
I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.
You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.