Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 977
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.
When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.
I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.