Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 977
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
My only problem with white men is y’all don’t know how to break up with a bitch. Shit! I watch the crime channel…. I’m gonna tell you the difference in black women and white women. See, black women, we don’t allow our men to come home with duct tape if shit ain’t broke.
Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?
I'm up. If that doesn't get me up, you know what will. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Bink. No, need sleepy!
The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!
Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.