Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 977
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.
Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.
In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.