Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 977
I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
"Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.” (Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.)
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
I'm up. If that doesn't get me up, you know what will. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Bink. No, need sleepy!
I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’
I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.
The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
It was a job; the video show was a job; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.