Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 977

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

Came on this beat, I ain’t even buy it dinner.

I'm so isolated that most of my life I don't know where I am.

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

I love stand-up and I haven't given it up.

That's a device. I like to think about it as a little bit of a mystery ... the director describes it as a statement of authorship. It's kind of a sophisticated concept, but I like to think of it almost as my character looking back intellectually, but not at an advanced age.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I have a lot of hostility.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.