Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 979
There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'
There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.
You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Do you think that during the Dust Bowl in the 1930's in the Midwest people thought "Wow, this must be global warming" or did they just think "Fuck, it hasn't rained in a while."
[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.