Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 979
'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.
This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?