Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 979
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.
My only problem with white men is y’all don’t know how to break up with a bitch. Shit! I watch the crime channel…. I’m gonna tell you the difference in black women and white women. See, black women, we don’t allow our men to come home with duct tape if shit ain’t broke.
The cell phone companies make you sign up for a plan, but it’s not like if you don’t follow the plan they’re cool with it. It’s like, “You can have 600 anytime minutes for 50 dollars, but if you go over that, we shoot you in the dick!”
Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.