Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 981
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.