Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 981

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

It's hard for anybody who's been with me not to feel starved for affection when I'm making love to my ideas. Maybe it's not meant for me to settle down and be married.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother… that's all they need.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.