Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 981

Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around ‘normal’ and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

You might be a redneck if you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

You might be a redneck if you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.