Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 980
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy]<br /> I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.
Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...
Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".