Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 980

The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

I'm so isolated that most of my life I don't know where I am.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'

Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?