Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 980
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"