Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 997
Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.
"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.
You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.
"The videos are hysterical. Almost matching Bob Saget's creative introductions to them". Actually, my parents said that. But then they also once said, "We're very disappointed in you, Bob." They said that, but that was before I had this show.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.