Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 997

I spend most of my free time under the house.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?

When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'