Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 997

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.