Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 996
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I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.
People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'
Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.
In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.