Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 996

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.

My thinking is, if we're setting out to make comedy in which nothing is off limits, then everybody is fair game.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.