Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 998

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.