Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 998

Norm is such a horrible gambler, he bet Jon Lovitz would be funny tonight.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Economists predict that this year's federal surplus will be $120 billion less than predicted in January. The missing $120 billion was reportedly last seen on a date with Congressman Gary Condit.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.