Quotes & Jokes by Albert Brooks


I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!

You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.

When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.

I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.

I'd still like to see "Survivor" minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else's foot.

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.

Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.

I don't know that I can define fear. But one of the sources of fear is holding up some sort of model life that doesn't exist and feeling like you're far away from it.

When they made 90210, there were people outside of Beverly Hills who went, Oooooh! But you don't go Oooooh! when you're in there. You're worried about passing the Spanish test.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.