Quotes & Jokes by Albert Brooks


I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!

I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.

I don't know that I can define fear. But one of the sources of fear is holding up some sort of model life that doesn't exist and feeling like you're far away from it.

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.

I'd still like to see "Survivor" minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else's foot.

Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.

Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.

I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.