Quotes & Jokes by Bill Hicks / page 3

150 quotes

People tell me "hey if you quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you folks, I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.

Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.