Quotes & Jokes by Bill Hicks / page 3

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

People tell me "hey if you quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you folks, I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.

Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.

I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead - just play with this - if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world - and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded - we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys... fucking raise 'em." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. You raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours... Take it."

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?

If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"