Quotes & Jokes by Dana Carvey
You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.
I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
Please, O ye Lord, keep Jim Bakker behind bars.