Quotes & Jokes by Dana Carvey
You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.
Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.
A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.
I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
Please, O ye Lord, keep Jim Bakker behind bars.
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.