Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin

538 quotes

“I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”

I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can'’t you see I'’m cold just right here?’”

I think it’s weird when you give someone flowers… Really saying here you go, now watch these die, cause I like you. I feel like you should give someone flowers if you want to threaten them, here you’re next. Better put your feet in water 'cause I’m coming for you.

I'm in a weird situation 'cause I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So I wear a rainbow on my shirt, but then under it I gotta put 'Not Gay.' But I'm not against gay people, so then under that I gotta put 'But Supportive.' I just think it's weird that one group took refracted light. That's pretty greedy, gays.

I used to eat there all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said 'Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.'

Graffiti. I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

When you’re having sex with somebody, you can say “yes”, you can say “yeah”, you can say “uh-huh.” But for some reason you can’t say “yep”. Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok, man, slow down, we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

The "earth" without "art" is just "eh."

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘"That is cool".’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "‘That is not cool"’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.