Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 2


My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.