Quotes & Jokes by Gabriel Iglesias / page 2

90 quotes

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it's really comfortable to drive and it's real techy inside. You look at the screen and it's blue and you've got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital.

And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

The worst thing I’m going to do is have dinner without you.

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won't grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, 'Life is great.'

"You've gotten fat!" "Well you're fat too!" "I know I'm fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn't you?"

Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.

I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.

What’s the “I” stand for, “I need a bigger bed”?

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

You know, a lot of people think that just cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will; but, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.