Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson / page 2


He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.