Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.