Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson


The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.