Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson


The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.