Quotes & Jokes by Johnny Carson


The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.