The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Quotes and Jokes by Johnny Carson
Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 92)
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.
I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.