Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I have three kids, one of each.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"