Quotes & Jokes by Sandra Bernhard


I really have a problem with any kind of drug, I always have.

Of course, everybody's family is dysfunctional - we've accepted that. What are we supposed to do? Hate our parents for the rest of our lives?

I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.

My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.

I think people are a little bit intimidated by me. You know, I'm not exactly a wilting flower, so I think they're a little bit scared of me sometimes.

New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.

There will come a day when Anne Heche will be straight again.

I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.

You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.

Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.

Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.

They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.

Gay pride's beautiful. If somebody needs to be expressing that, then it's a positive thing.

When you have a knowledge of history, it's very soothing. When there's continuity in your life, it's soothing.