Quotes & Jokes by Sandra Bernhard


I think people are a little bit intimidated by me. You know, I'm not exactly a wilting flower, so I think they're a little bit scared of me sometimes.

I really have a problem with any kind of drug, I always have.

Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.

You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.

I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.

Of course, everybody's family is dysfunctional - we've accepted that. What are we supposed to do? Hate our parents for the rest of our lives?

Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.

That disturbs people when they know they didn't have the guts or integrity to stick to their dreams.

My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

When you have a knowledge of history, it's very soothing. When there's continuity in your life, it's soothing.

Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.

It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.

New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.

They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.

Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.