Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015
I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.