Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

And He saw that it was good!

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.