Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
You might be a redneck if you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.