Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.
But I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I put all my effort into.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.