Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.