Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

How is it possible to have a civil war?

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.