Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.
I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.
And then I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’! That’s us! ‘Godfather’! That’s us! ‘Godfather Part II’! That’s us! ‘Departed’! That’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’! That’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’! That’s us! ‘Jaws’! That’s us! Every fucking movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!”
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.
Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?
Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.