Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, you might be a redneck.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.