Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!

Look at us - we're a San Francisco wedding cake.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.