Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.