Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.
You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.
Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.