Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”