Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.
Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”
Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'
Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.