Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

I'm a compulsive everything.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.