Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.

Hooray for most things!

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.