Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1020
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.
I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.
You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.