Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.