Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.
The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.