Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."