Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.