Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.