Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...
You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.