Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, "Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy." 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”