Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039
Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.
I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed Rasputin. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.