Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...

You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.