Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1040

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.