Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1040
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.