Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050
You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”