Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I actually like talking.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.