Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.
A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.