Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."