Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1050
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.
No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. Boom! Friends for life!