Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1049
Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."
There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.
I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.