Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1049
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."
Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.