Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1049
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.
(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.
I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.