Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1049

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

It doesn't have to be that way.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.