Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1049

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?