Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1056
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."