Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1056

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.