Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1056

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

A place where we all go can’t be bad.

Desperation is my sweet spot.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.