Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1056

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.