Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.