Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.