Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.