Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057
You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”
I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, "These Tsunamians will not get away with this". Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.