Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1058
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.