Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1058

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Greed is a bad color on a person.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

How can there be self-help groups?

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.