Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1058

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

Next time there's a riot somewhere in the world, don't fire tear gas at people like they're animals, just release Mike Tyson from the back of a truck so he can walk amongst the crowd and watch people jump back and part like the Red Sea going, 'Holy shit! This has gotten out of hand...'

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.