Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1058

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.