Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1059

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.