Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1059
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.