Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1059

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.

Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.