Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1059
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"