Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.