Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.