Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I think; therefore I worry.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.