Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.