Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.