Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.