Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1072

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.