Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 110
Here's the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they'll give us more stuff. Everything's beta right now. Everything's experimental. They really don't know what people want.
Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.
If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It’s surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.
You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.
During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney on Broadway in "Sugar Babies." You understand?
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
It`s the little things that count when you`re a daddy. Like taking your little girl for ice cream. First, you have to teach her about the concept of gravity. I can`t tell you how many ice creams I`ve had to pick up off the floor, rinse off and stick back on my kid`s cone. Now that may sound strange, but have you bought ice cream lately? Good gosh, it`s up to 75 cents a scoop. A scoop! What`s in it, gold?
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.