Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 110
I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.
Fucking immigrants, all started with that Einstein... Once they brought him over from Germany and we didn't have any good genius jobs, it was a trickle-down effect.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.
My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, "Dom, I think that waitress knows me." "What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?"
Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
It`s the little things that count when you`re a daddy. Like taking your little girl for ice cream. First, you have to teach her about the concept of gravity. I can`t tell you how many ice creams I`ve had to pick up off the floor, rinse off and stick back on my kid`s cone. Now that may sound strange, but have you bought ice cream lately? Good gosh, it`s up to 75 cents a scoop. A scoop! What`s in it, gold?