Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 109
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
God inspired me, because I was blessed with the knowledge that I wanted to do this. And my mother supported it. She said, 'Whatever it is you want to do. If you believe acting or comedy is what you really want to do, I can only tell you it's not easy, it's very hard, but I'll support you.' Her supporting me enabled me to move forward.
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
My brother hates gay people - hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney on Broadway in "Sugar Babies." You understand?
What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"
You can't say minimum wage to people when they're asking you questions. "What are you making now?" "Minimum wage. Yeah. Lowest amount legally possible. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Oh, they'd like to pay me less. But they can't. Legally they can't. I win! I'm the winner!"
"We'll keep you in our thoughts" With the other bullshit in your heads? No, keep me out of your thoughts, because I hear some of the stuff you talk about and if that's close to what you're thinking about, I don't want to be around that, so keep me and my family out of your thoughts, unless you're thinking of making me a sandwich.