Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 111
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?'
God inspired me, because I was blessed with the knowledge that I wanted to do this. And my mother supported it. She said, 'Whatever it is you want to do. If you believe acting or comedy is what you really want to do, I can only tell you it's not easy, it's very hard, but I'll support you.' Her supporting me enabled me to move forward.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.
I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.'
Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.
The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.