Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.