Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.