Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1106
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.