Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1139

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

He's the badass of the group - like if they get into some kind of Scooby-Doo scrape, he's the one that's gonna get them out.

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

Quite a nasty piece of work. Not the sort of person you'd want to have dinner with.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.