Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1139

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Live every day as if it were your last. Then, the next day, pretend you're a ghost!

Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.