Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1139
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Something tells me that Mitt Romney’s sex face is the same as his regular face.
You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.
If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death