Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1152
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.
You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.
You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?
Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.
You might be a redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?