Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".
You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."