Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.