Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death
How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.