Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, ‘You lazy f—ing fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die’.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.