Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.