Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161
You might be a redneck if you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba."
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That’s where you find your voice.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
I hated my last boss. He asked, “Why are you two hours late?” I said, “I fell downstairs.” He said, “That doesn’t take two hours.”
Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.