Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. A thirty-five-hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."