Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161
I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.
I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.
If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
What men say: "I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong." What men think: "I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.