Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

My nightmares have coming attractions.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.