Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162

You might be a redneck if you think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

I just broke up with a guy… it’s hard breaking up with them, ‘cause you have to be like, “Listen, you’ve run out of money.”

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

You might be a redneck if the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.