Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."