Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

I've tried everything. I've done therapy, I've done colonics. I went to a psychic who had me running around town buying pieces of ribbon to fill the colors in my aura. Did the Prozac thing.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.

New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.