Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163
Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.
Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.
I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.
Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.