Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!
I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.