Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'