Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1163

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

You might be a redneck if you use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.