Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1165

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies...I'm not really a lawyer.

There's a kind of racism in the south that is really so steadfast and true that I almost kind of begrudgingly, you know, admire it in a way, and that is that there are segregated graveyards. That just to me defies all logic...but it's also, like, "Well, hats off...you're going to stick to your guns on that one, and take that shit to the grave? All right!" There's enough people to go, "Naw, man..ugh, I don't even wanna think about it. My dead, lifeless, rotting, maggot-infested corpse...next to some black man's? Ewww!!! That's gross!" But that does pose an interesting scenario, because, what's going to happen when the zombies rise out of their graves? ... "We must take over the human race-- wait, what were you?" "I'm black." "Fuck you, nigger, you can't come." "What? No! But I'm a skeleton, you can't tell!" "Fuck youuu..."