Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1165

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before.

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."