Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1165

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

You might be a redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.