Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164
I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.
Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.
Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?
Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.