Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights.
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'