Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"

Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.