Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1164

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

No one is immune from being a target.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

I don't fuck. Who needs it? I'm funnier without it.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

I don't have a brother in real life.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?