Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1166
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.
Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.
I recently read an interview in Rolling Stone, where he advocated that people should not do drugs, KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs. Keith, we can't do anymore drugs, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FUCKIN' DID THEM ALL! There's none left, we have to wait until you die so we can smoke you're ashes, alright!
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.