Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1166

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

Well, I think "likability" is an overused word. I don’t watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

His motto is "Love thy neighbour". His neighbour is an 18 year old hooker.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.