Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1166

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

You might be a redneck if your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.