Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1167
I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.
Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
You might be a redneck if you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.