Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1167

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.