Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1167
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
You might be a redneck if your back porch is bigger than your house.
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.
You might be a redneck if you list your parole officer as a reference.
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.