Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!

A metaphor is like a simile.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.