Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."