Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168

I wanted to be a rock star.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.