Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1168

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

Are there glass shards in my anus?

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.