Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1169

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?