Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1169

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

You might be a redneck if you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.