Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1169

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies...I'm not really a lawyer.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.